The Last Day of 2011

Okay, so get this.. I was just thinking that I should write a post since it's 31st December. I'm sitting on my bed, laptop on my knee and pressed play on my iPod dock, (which is on shuffle) and the song 2012 came on! AHHH! Actually, at the time that happened I thought it seemed cool, typing it all out it doesn't seem like it is...only YOU can be the judge for yourself.

 MOVING ON....


It's hard to believe that we are end the end of another year already! I can remember this time last year so clearly. Things were different, but I won't go into all that again.
I realised today that small things can change your attitude to something. That happened to me today. I won't say what it was, it's kind of embarrassing. But it was a very small thing and yet it changed my whole perspective on something. It was a wake up call for me anyway. I know this is impossible for anyone to understand because you don't know what i'm talking about but try try try to understand! Anyway, I realised that if this year has taught me anything, it's that life is far too short to spend it crying over things that have changed and have happened that you don't like. You shouldn't have deep regrets and you certainly shouldn't have grudges. I don't want to start a brand new year with any grudges or anger from this year because where's the point in it? It's not healthy and it certainly doesn't do anyone any good.

Yeah, things have happened, i've been sad this year, sadder than I ever have been. But I think right now that it's better to just remember the good times I had with all those important people from this year. It's been a strange day for realisations.


As for 2012, I don't really know what i'm expecting from it. I don't have any major plans for this year or anything. This year was really good apart from the ending so I can't say i've really had any thought about what I wanted from the coming year. I suppose I just want to feel my happier self again. I would like to pick up some friendships that I may have lost over the past few months and I want to stop feeling so angry! I'm hopeful that 2012 will be a better year. 2011 was my year of learning and i've never had to go through so many emotions all at once in my entire life!

I am thankful for this year also though. Throughout the tears and bad times during Autumn and Winter, the first half of the year were really good and I have so many memories from it all!

I'm a little nervous for the new year. I'll have to hear about things that may upset me, or things may happen that I won't like and I'll be angry or whatever. But a new year does mean a newish start and I feel ready to try and leave behind all the crap from 2011.

So here's to a new year! *raises glass*

  HAPPY NEW YEAR!   

This Year...

2011 brought many things with it. It was a split year of both good and bad things. I suppose in many ways it was one of the biggest years of my life so far. Things happened that I had never experienced before and in a way I feel like in this year I grew up and learnt a bit more about myself.

The start of 2011 was fun filled and exciting. Lots of things were happening in my life that I was happy about. I had a large group of friends that hung out every weekend and we all were comfortable with the same old routine. May and June brought my GCSE exams and although they were so stressful and I more a less a zero social life most of the time, the hard work was worth it and the summer meant so much more to me.

Summer brought a lot of change. Someone that had been such a part of everyone's lives moved away to America and although it was very sad and maybe sudden for a few people, it was also VERY exciting! July seemed to fly by and it suddenly it was August. I went on my very first Outreach Team and it was so good! I found myself having to be put into situations that I wasn't used to and found myself tested. However, it was such a good experience and definitely one of the hightlights of my summer. August also brought my GCSE results and I was so so SO pleased with my results! (And the fact I was back in school!)

September brought back school, I was no longer in GCSE mood and now in 6th Form mood. September again brought change as many people I was used to seeing around the place moved away to go to Universities overseas and elsewhere. This was hard as my own sister went to England and as much as I was very excited for her I was also very sad to see her go and not have her around the house. I suppose the end of September was where most things kicked off.

October wasn't a very good month for me. If you've read my previous posts you'll know all about why. Someone important to me, who was a huge part of my life for so long was suddenly not part of it anymore. It was a major shock to the system and I suppose I wasn't prepared for it at all. October and November were my 'down' months. I wasn't myself for those months, I felt lonely and confused. Part of me still feels a bit lost and confused but having everybody back has made me feel like part of the old group and it's nice to have everyone back again.

Change was a huge part of my year. I have gone through more emotions than I ever have. I have cried more times than I knew was physically possible. I've felt feeling I thought really only existed in films and didn't really happen to people. But I've also learnt that life throws things at you that you don't always expect. Get too comfortable with something and life is sure to put you to the test. I don't know why some things happened this year, I don't know why everything had to change so suddenly this year. What I do know is that as long you have your friends and family around you, and you let time pass, it will heal.

Sure, I'm still hurting. I might still be hurting in a months time, in four months time. Who knows? I believe that you should never be pushed into something. You take as much time as you need.

2011 and was a strange year. It brought laughter, good memories, many photos, crazy dances, new experiences, relationship, new friendships, heartache and many tears. If I had to change some things, sure, maybe a few things like appreciating what you have when you have it, but overall I think I needed this year to teach me a few life lessons. 

Taking A Step Back

I felt I had to write a quick post about something I was thinking about today. . .

Our family received a Christmas card today from a family that we have known for years and years and have kept in touch with them since we moved from Enniskillen in 2001. The family consists of a Dad, Mum and two sisters. About two years ago we found out that the dad of the family had cancer in his mouth. It was a very challenging time for them and involved a risky operation on his tongue and mouth and he depended on them for a long time. However he was recovering well.
  Then today, in the card they explained that the tumour was back and that he was terminally ill. He now can't swallow, talk, eat or drink. This really upset me as it's so close to Christmas and this is supposed to be a time of family and happiness. I will be thinking about them over the next coming weeks and praying that they can stay strong through this horrendous time.

It got me thinking about my last post on my blog. I'm embarrassed now about how dramatic I have been about everything going on in my life. It seems like the worst thing in the world is happening to me when in reality, I have it fairly easy. Everyone in my family is well and there have been no major dramas this year. It made me really take a step back and put things in perspective. Things are going on in other families that they have no control over and have to just put up with when it doesn't seem fair!

So yes, I am still sad and upset and it's taking a long time to get over things and used to other things. But I realise now that I should be thankful for everything I have got, especially at this time of year. You just never know what is around the corner.

Most Likely The First Of Many Posts About How 2011 Is And Was

It's been a while since I wrote a post. It's times like these that I wish I didn't have any followers on this so I could just write about things and no one would read it. Only because I don't want to write lies down on this and pretend everything is okay.. sooooo..suppose i'll just be honest

"What's up Viv? You don't seem yourself?"

"Vivien, you look so depressed. This isn't you, you always find something funny to laugh at!"

'Depressed'                         'This isn't you'   

'What's wrong?'

These are just some of the things that people have been saying to me lately. I can't say I enjoy being called depressed. I've often replied with "everyone else has their down days. Can't I?" The usual reply is "No. You're Vivien. Always laughing, always happy" I just laughed it off. In a way it's nice to be known as someone who is always laughing and happy. On the flipside of that though, it means that EVERYONE notices when something is wrong. Usually i'm good at hiding what is wrong to others because I hate being the dramatic one who has problems and likes to burden other people.

I wouldn't say that I was depressed exactly. I don't think so anyway... But I suppose this end to the year hasn't been very good. 2011 was a brilliant year for me at the start. Okay so I had GCSEs but push all that aside and I was having an amazing time. The group of friends I had were so close and there were so many of us and I felt unbelievably elated at times because everything was just so much fun and so good. My faith was really strong and I was enjoying every minute of everything that was happening.

Summer was so good too. And yes, those of you that read this and know me, of course having a boyfriend from April onwards helped immensely. So the start of 2011 was really good, so many things were happening, correction - so many *good things were happening!

Then in September the first winds of change were sweeping across everything that once was there..

I first started to realise that not many people were returning to the weekend things we all were at and everyone's morals were low. There was no motivation. Of course, all the people in their first year of Uni had disappeared and that was nothing unusual. But the people that had always been there suddenly weren't there anymore. Anyway, I carried on because as I had said in my earlier posts, I didn't think that giving up was an option!

Then October came around.. October was a bad month for me personally. To put it bluntly,  (knowing i'll cringe about this in weeks to come), my break up really upset me. It was all so sudden because I hadn't seen it coming it all, even now with hindsight. I suppose there will always been answers to questions that I'll never get and that just gets frustrated. That is a huge part of why I have been not my usual self lately. It's just a lot to get used to so quickly especially when you didn't know it was going to happen. I'm the sort of person who thinks the best of every situation for everyone else but not for myself. So of course my head was swimming with scenarios of why it happened and that it was all my fault.  I know this all sounds like I'm some girl in a chick flick.. but oh well. People always say to hold on to your memories because no one can take those away from you. But I think that memories can be our best assest but also our worst enemy. I can now always see little things that remind me of one of our million and one 'in' jokes and I suppose it just saddens me to think that we'll never be able to think of anymore. 

Okay I have rambled on WAYYY too much there. 

I'll quickly write that I seem to have joined the 'giving up' bandwagon. I haven't been motivated to do things anymore. I don't really look forward to the weekend anymore because my usualy Friday night routine had to be changed because of above paragraph and because on a Saturday NO ONE comes to anything anymore. Even Alf was lacking in numbers and really, my faith has not been good these past weeks. And once again, being my negative self, I think it'll be great to have everyone back for Christmas. But at the back of my mind I know that eveyone has to leave again in January and then what? Are we back to this again? AH! My mind is my worst enemy sometimes.

This has been a depressing post I know. But I felt I had to just write it all down! I'll come back and cringe at this soon enough.. in which case let's all pretend we haven't read this. Deal?

I don't think it's depression.. i'll let you be your own secret judge of that.

This Time Last Year

So lately I've been feeling a little down. I was at my youth club helping out last night and I found myself looking around at everyone there. I started to compare it to this time last year. I thought of the group that was there, the times we all had and how it seemed like it would never end. But 2011 has brought much change. Everyone has moved on or just doesn't come anymore. I feel there is no group there anymore and as I much as I am trying to move on and get into the swing of a new group I can't do it.

This time last year great things were happening in my life. It was coming up to Christmas and I was getting excited for it. Personal relationships were starting to form and it was all new and exciting to me. Everyone was very close and we had such a good group. And now, a year later things have started and ended and sometimes not for the better. I guess in a way, i'm just really sad about everything and I don't get excited for my weekends anymore because I feel like I don't really fit in at the minute and feel like I have no one to hang out with. Friday nights are now spent in my house on my own.

I am now just wanting school to be over for me so I can move away and start all over...

Where Will You Spend Your Encore?

"All the world's a stage,
  And all the men and women merely players:
 They have their exits and their entrances;
 And one man in his time plays many parts"  ~ William Shakespeare's: As You Like It

But where will you spend your encore?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" ~ John 3:16

Today I'm A Princess

This week was a busy one once again. Many rehearsals for the school musical (42nd Street) were going on so I was caught up in it for a lot of the week. School is soooo repetitive! Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant having so many free periods a week and having virtually no homework at the weekends because I get it all done during the week. But because I only have now three subjects (History, RE & English Lit) and my two week timetable never changes, it becomes just a daily pattern of doing the same thing everyday! I shouldn't complain, you couldn't pay me to endure the GCSE years again!

On Thursday morning I have a double free. So I signed up to help out at a local primary school with reading or maths or whatever they needed us to do. I was placed in St. Malachy's Primary School which is handy as it is just across the road from my school!
I had my first morning there on Thursday past. I was a little apprehensive as I wasn't sure how the kids would take to me being there and I didn't know until I got there, what class I would have!

I was taken to Miss. Rainey's classroom. They are in P3 and I was told on route that there were "a lovely class, although there are a few bad ones..."
However, I was excited to be working so closely with children and primary school teaching is something I think I really want to do!
Thursday is Reading Day in their class. So I sat at a little desk at the side of the front of the room and while Miss. Rainey went through worksheets and things with them, I took a group at a time and read with them. They all handed me their 'Reading Record Books' in which I had to write the page numbers we were going to read, a comment and any words that they struggled with.

I really enjoyed it! The kids were really interested in what school I had come from and what all my badges were for! There was one girl however, called Sophie, who was a bit of a handful. The conversation went something like this...

Sophie: "My name's Sophie-Lee Crawford. EVERYONE calls me Sophie-Lee Crawford"
Daniel (one of the kids): "Miss! No one calls her that!"
Sophie: "Okay well my name is Sophie but today I want to be called Princess Sophia"

WHAT!? I had no intentions of calling her 'Princess' incase her teacher heard and thought I couldn't handle the class! So when we went around the group I just went, "Okay, you go on ahead" and pointed at her!

The other groups were fine thought and I managed to learn a few names. I'm looking forward to next Thursday when I go back and do it again :) I'll be in the school for two terms so I'm hoping the class will get used to me being there!

As for Princess Sophia, well....

The Fire In Your Heart Is Out

Quite famous lyrics from Oasis' song - 'Wonderwall' is the idea behind my title today. It's a phrase that i've been thinking of a lot lately.

'Backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out'

It's really a self-explanatory phrase and I think recently it's been the case for many of my friends and people I know. It kind of reverts back to what I was saying previously about 'change'. (Yes, it's a recurring theme in these blogs!)

Lots of things have been happening around us lately and everyone is finding it hard to adjust to the changes. People have left, new people have come. Old groups have broken up, new groups have emerged.

This time last year, no one could have imagined that so much would be different just a year down the line. But i suppose that's just life, unexpectant things happen that we're not prepared for. It's how we deal with it that makes the real difference.

I am no expert, and definitely not full of wisdom. I make mistakes, am a creature of habit and at times this year I have not been entirely enthusiastic. But I am slowly, (and I mean slowly!) starting to come to terms with the fact that you can't live in the past. Sure, we had the best times and everyone is sad that those things have changed.

However, I really believe that not giving up is the way forward. Giving up solves nothing. Running away is always easier than facing up to the facts. Stuff sucks sometimes, people change and move on and that's all there is to it. 

Sure, things have happend to me in the past week that i've been upset over, and didn't want to happen. And you know what? Who knows what will happen in the future? That's what's so exciting, we have no idea what will happen in our future and there is a plan mapped out for each and every one of us.

So to all my Alfities that may or may not read this. We need to keep going. Yes, things have changed majorly, but this doesn't always mean that it has to be a bad way. We still have each other and we can make Alf what it once was if we don't run away and instead tackle it head on!

Quotes for Today! :


"Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing"
- Helen Keller


"The big secret in life is there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there is you are willing to work"
- Oprah Winfrey

A Random Blog About Life Being Short & Change

I've realised recently that not everything in life happens as we would like it to. People change, friendships change. Everything you once knew and loved can change before your very eyes and you only notice when something happens that you don't agree with.

Change is something that's been happening a lot in my life recently. I know I already wrote about change but it struck me again just this week that things in life can change so quickly and you should never take anything that you have for granted, whether that be friendships, relationships or a general routine you had and grew comfortable in.

Life really is too short to worry about things that might or could happen and if something good in happening in your life you should grasp it and cherish it while you still have it.

Change is not always a bad thing. New people come into your life and sometimes it'll be these people that will help shape you into a better person and take you out of your comfort zone. I think we all get comfortable and so we are scared of the unknown but we really should take opportunities to do new things and meet new people because as i've already said, life is too short. 

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened"

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count.  It's the life in your years"  ~Abraham Lincoln

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies"

5,6,7,8!

I am going to see Steps with my friend Megan in April 2012! I am sooo excited! It's hilarious really, they were never really THAT good a band but I absolutely loved them when they were around so of course when I heard that they were coming to Belfast we decided that we were definitely going!

This is some good news and something to look forward after the crappy few weeks I've been having!

Now if this weather would just improve...

Too Busy To Blog...?!

Hmm..by my maths it's been nearly a whole week since I was last here! Opps...
But i've had such a busy week! So many rehearsals and things to do at lunchtimes and on top of it all I had essays and homeworks to do as well! I'm bored and tired just reading all of that..

I've had a lot going on this week personally as well. Things I won't write here but I haven't had much sleep over it and so i'm just drained as well. Ahh! It's been stressful! But there is light at the end of this deep, dark tunnel of despressingness! 

The rehearsals on Saturday from 9am to 4pm were slow going but progress was made and we'll soon be starting Act 2 at last! I also managed to keep up with all of my work at school and do a good few essays, surprising myself a few times.... Half term break starts next friday and I'm off for a week from school so that will give me time to sort out things I need to and to just basically relax as there are no 42nd Street rehearsals!

So all in all, maybe not the best week. But i'm not the sort of person to keep on mulling over the bad things that happen in life..it's better to sort through them, stay strong and keep going!

A Pick-Me-Up Quote

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”  - Henry Ford

Rehearsals & A Flu Injection

It's hard to believe that another weekend is nearly over already! I don't have a very exciting week coming up...

If you can't make that out, it's my schedule for rehearsals! And yes..that does say next SATURDAY from 9am - 4pm!! :|

And the above is for my swine flu and common flu injection! So that'll be funnnnnn.....
 

No Sleep & No Uniform

It's nearly half 8 in the evening and all I seem to have done tonight is yawn repeatedly! I am sooooo very tired! And when I say this to people in school they always reply with, "You have 12 free periods a week, sleep in them!" If only it were that simple! I have numerous essays to do for my subjects and I never have time for sleeping!

I am also completely exhausted as I am taking part in the school's production of 42nd Street and I've been at rehearsals after school and at lunch time for the last few weeks! It's so tiring but I'll be glad I took part when it's all over!

Tomorrow is non uniform day which always strikes a chord in an all girls school because for about a week until the day all you hear anyone asking is, "so what are you wearing to non uniform day?" The only reason I get excited is because I can sleep for a little longer in the morning because I can ready really quickly when I don't have to put on a uniform! Hurrah!

So, not much else to write really today. This was a bit of a pointless blog today but hey, who's reading it anyway!

Looking Back...

I'm in one of those nostalgic moods.. so here are 5 of my favourite photos from 2010/11! :

1) This is us at Street Reach back in April. I love this photo because it was a really good team and such a good week!

2) Yes, another group photo! This time in Castlewellan - camping! I really enjoyed that weekend, speaking to people I didn't know that well and of course, staying up until half 4 in the morning to see the sunrise!

3) Moving on... No i should explain. #CastlwellanWeekend2kaii11 back in February! This was our youth leader Nellie 'Neal' Wilkinson...he's a little unusual but we don't judge him as - WE R WHO WE R

4) This is me running through the fountains in Ballycastle at our Alf weekend away last October! It looks like the water hit me..it didn't! I loved this weekend, lots to think about but sooooo much banterrrrrrrrrr!

5) Me and my sister Sophie in August of this year. She's in Uni at the minute in Coventry. I miss having her around the house as someone who I can act like an idiot with!

Well, that's five photos to illustrate some of my year..i miss the old times!

BONUS PHOTO: This is me and that crazy guy Nellie from earlier. We're pitying the fool at his 'Last Hurrah' before he ran off to America. It won't be long until he is back for Christmas which is soooo exciting! Meanwhile my only message to him for now is: I P-P-P-P-PITY THE FOOL!!!

If We Were Only That Little Bit Braver

“I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.”  ― Billy Joel

Holla Billy, holla.

Hens Will Kiss Turkeys

I tweeted this very title today...it had an interesting response..

Well no, it had NOTHING to do with the above suggestion!

A man came into school today to talk about effective ways of studying. You're probably asleep just reading that line..I know we all were! But it turned out to be quite interesting after all. He told us all about the brain and how we don't always use the parts that we should. And as for the 'Hens Will Kiss Turkeys' it's key word he would use if he was tying to remember the rhyme Humpty Dumpty.
H - Humpty
W - Wall
K - King
T - Together

Picking out words in things and making up funny sentences is a way to help yourself remember key points for an exam! I think i'll put his ideas to good use over the next few months and see what happens. I also found out that I am more of a Linguistic learner (meaning I am into creative writings and literature etc) and there was another one that I actually can't remember the name of but it was more or less saying I was an extrovert, (being able to speak to new people, talk in a large crowd, be confident in front of others).

One last thing that was mentioned is that men, yes - MEN, are more in touch with their emotions than women!

They will be more likely to want to cry at a movie, be more hurt over a relationship breakdown and have more to say using their emotions than they would ever let on. My friends and I laughed at this.

It's a VERY interesting thing to know.....

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changessss (Not the Bowie Classic)

So tonight I went to Alf, (that's our Youth Fellowship).  I haven't been in a while. There's been a lot of change going on at the minute, people leaving new people arriving. And as exciting as all this is, I have to admit - I'm a creature of habit and really hate the thought of change! I think it scares me! I get very comfortable with the people around me and I hate having to adjust to a new scheme of things! This sounds very selfish I know!

So yes, Alf! (I used 'so' again didn't i? Drat!) I actually found it really good tonight! Plenty to think about and actually it was very relevant to how I am feeling at the minute. I wonder if maybe I was meant to go tonight, if you get me!??! (A classic example of why my blog is called Written Nonsense!!!)

I think maybe over time, I will start to get back into the way of things. Don't get me wrong, I love that new people have joined and are leading us but I look back over old photos and can't help but miss the old times a little bit. But of course, there are new times to be had and I know that at the end of the year there will be new memories that we'll look back and laugh at! :)

It's a lot to think about and have to get used to but  I think if I really work at it I'll get used to it all!

Over and Out!

Starting Out!

My name is Vivien and I'm 17. (boring bit over)

I thought i'd try out this blogging business since a few of my friends have started to do it. Theirs always seems to really interesting and funny..unfortunately I can't promise that this will be either of those things but I'll try my very best!

Today is a Sunday and I have absolutely NOTHING to do! Sunday's always seem like a day to tie up loose ends but for once I have nought to have to do and all my homework has either been done or can wait for another day!