Most Likely The First Of Many Posts About How 2011 Is And Was

It's been a while since I wrote a post. It's times like these that I wish I didn't have any followers on this so I could just write about things and no one would read it. Only because I don't want to write lies down on this and pretend everything is okay.. sooooo..suppose i'll just be honest

"What's up Viv? You don't seem yourself?"

"Vivien, you look so depressed. This isn't you, you always find something funny to laugh at!"

'Depressed'                         'This isn't you'   

'What's wrong?'

These are just some of the things that people have been saying to me lately. I can't say I enjoy being called depressed. I've often replied with "everyone else has their down days. Can't I?" The usual reply is "No. You're Vivien. Always laughing, always happy" I just laughed it off. In a way it's nice to be known as someone who is always laughing and happy. On the flipside of that though, it means that EVERYONE notices when something is wrong. Usually i'm good at hiding what is wrong to others because I hate being the dramatic one who has problems and likes to burden other people.

I wouldn't say that I was depressed exactly. I don't think so anyway... But I suppose this end to the year hasn't been very good. 2011 was a brilliant year for me at the start. Okay so I had GCSEs but push all that aside and I was having an amazing time. The group of friends I had were so close and there were so many of us and I felt unbelievably elated at times because everything was just so much fun and so good. My faith was really strong and I was enjoying every minute of everything that was happening.

Summer was so good too. And yes, those of you that read this and know me, of course having a boyfriend from April onwards helped immensely. So the start of 2011 was really good, so many things were happening, correction - so many *good things were happening!

Then in September the first winds of change were sweeping across everything that once was there..

I first started to realise that not many people were returning to the weekend things we all were at and everyone's morals were low. There was no motivation. Of course, all the people in their first year of Uni had disappeared and that was nothing unusual. But the people that had always been there suddenly weren't there anymore. Anyway, I carried on because as I had said in my earlier posts, I didn't think that giving up was an option!

Then October came around.. October was a bad month for me personally. To put it bluntly,  (knowing i'll cringe about this in weeks to come), my break up really upset me. It was all so sudden because I hadn't seen it coming it all, even now with hindsight. I suppose there will always been answers to questions that I'll never get and that just gets frustrated. That is a huge part of why I have been not my usual self lately. It's just a lot to get used to so quickly especially when you didn't know it was going to happen. I'm the sort of person who thinks the best of every situation for everyone else but not for myself. So of course my head was swimming with scenarios of why it happened and that it was all my fault.  I know this all sounds like I'm some girl in a chick flick.. but oh well. People always say to hold on to your memories because no one can take those away from you. But I think that memories can be our best assest but also our worst enemy. I can now always see little things that remind me of one of our million and one 'in' jokes and I suppose it just saddens me to think that we'll never be able to think of anymore. 

Okay I have rambled on WAYYY too much there. 

I'll quickly write that I seem to have joined the 'giving up' bandwagon. I haven't been motivated to do things anymore. I don't really look forward to the weekend anymore because my usualy Friday night routine had to be changed because of above paragraph and because on a Saturday NO ONE comes to anything anymore. Even Alf was lacking in numbers and really, my faith has not been good these past weeks. And once again, being my negative self, I think it'll be great to have everyone back for Christmas. But at the back of my mind I know that eveyone has to leave again in January and then what? Are we back to this again? AH! My mind is my worst enemy sometimes.

This has been a depressing post I know. But I felt I had to just write it all down! I'll come back and cringe at this soon enough.. in which case let's all pretend we haven't read this. Deal?

I don't think it's depression.. i'll let you be your own secret judge of that.