The Last Day of 2011

Okay, so get this.. I was just thinking that I should write a post since it's 31st December. I'm sitting on my bed, laptop on my knee and pressed play on my iPod dock, (which is on shuffle) and the song 2012 came on! AHHH! Actually, at the time that happened I thought it seemed cool, typing it all out it doesn't seem like it is...only YOU can be the judge for yourself.

 MOVING ON....


It's hard to believe that we are end the end of another year already! I can remember this time last year so clearly. Things were different, but I won't go into all that again.
I realised today that small things can change your attitude to something. That happened to me today. I won't say what it was, it's kind of embarrassing. But it was a very small thing and yet it changed my whole perspective on something. It was a wake up call for me anyway. I know this is impossible for anyone to understand because you don't know what i'm talking about but try try try to understand! Anyway, I realised that if this year has taught me anything, it's that life is far too short to spend it crying over things that have changed and have happened that you don't like. You shouldn't have deep regrets and you certainly shouldn't have grudges. I don't want to start a brand new year with any grudges or anger from this year because where's the point in it? It's not healthy and it certainly doesn't do anyone any good.

Yeah, things have happened, i've been sad this year, sadder than I ever have been. But I think right now that it's better to just remember the good times I had with all those important people from this year. It's been a strange day for realisations.


As for 2012, I don't really know what i'm expecting from it. I don't have any major plans for this year or anything. This year was really good apart from the ending so I can't say i've really had any thought about what I wanted from the coming year. I suppose I just want to feel my happier self again. I would like to pick up some friendships that I may have lost over the past few months and I want to stop feeling so angry! I'm hopeful that 2012 will be a better year. 2011 was my year of learning and i've never had to go through so many emotions all at once in my entire life!

I am thankful for this year also though. Throughout the tears and bad times during Autumn and Winter, the first half of the year were really good and I have so many memories from it all!

I'm a little nervous for the new year. I'll have to hear about things that may upset me, or things may happen that I won't like and I'll be angry or whatever. But a new year does mean a newish start and I feel ready to try and leave behind all the crap from 2011.

So here's to a new year! *raises glass*

  HAPPY NEW YEAR!   

This Year...

2011 brought many things with it. It was a split year of both good and bad things. I suppose in many ways it was one of the biggest years of my life so far. Things happened that I had never experienced before and in a way I feel like in this year I grew up and learnt a bit more about myself.

The start of 2011 was fun filled and exciting. Lots of things were happening in my life that I was happy about. I had a large group of friends that hung out every weekend and we all were comfortable with the same old routine. May and June brought my GCSE exams and although they were so stressful and I more a less a zero social life most of the time, the hard work was worth it and the summer meant so much more to me.

Summer brought a lot of change. Someone that had been such a part of everyone's lives moved away to America and although it was very sad and maybe sudden for a few people, it was also VERY exciting! July seemed to fly by and it suddenly it was August. I went on my very first Outreach Team and it was so good! I found myself having to be put into situations that I wasn't used to and found myself tested. However, it was such a good experience and definitely one of the hightlights of my summer. August also brought my GCSE results and I was so so SO pleased with my results! (And the fact I was back in school!)

September brought back school, I was no longer in GCSE mood and now in 6th Form mood. September again brought change as many people I was used to seeing around the place moved away to go to Universities overseas and elsewhere. This was hard as my own sister went to England and as much as I was very excited for her I was also very sad to see her go and not have her around the house. I suppose the end of September was where most things kicked off.

October wasn't a very good month for me. If you've read my previous posts you'll know all about why. Someone important to me, who was a huge part of my life for so long was suddenly not part of it anymore. It was a major shock to the system and I suppose I wasn't prepared for it at all. October and November were my 'down' months. I wasn't myself for those months, I felt lonely and confused. Part of me still feels a bit lost and confused but having everybody back has made me feel like part of the old group and it's nice to have everyone back again.

Change was a huge part of my year. I have gone through more emotions than I ever have. I have cried more times than I knew was physically possible. I've felt feeling I thought really only existed in films and didn't really happen to people. But I've also learnt that life throws things at you that you don't always expect. Get too comfortable with something and life is sure to put you to the test. I don't know why some things happened this year, I don't know why everything had to change so suddenly this year. What I do know is that as long you have your friends and family around you, and you let time pass, it will heal.

Sure, I'm still hurting. I might still be hurting in a months time, in four months time. Who knows? I believe that you should never be pushed into something. You take as much time as you need.

2011 and was a strange year. It brought laughter, good memories, many photos, crazy dances, new experiences, relationship, new friendships, heartache and many tears. If I had to change some things, sure, maybe a few things like appreciating what you have when you have it, but overall I think I needed this year to teach me a few life lessons. 

Taking A Step Back

I felt I had to write a quick post about something I was thinking about today. . .

Our family received a Christmas card today from a family that we have known for years and years and have kept in touch with them since we moved from Enniskillen in 2001. The family consists of a Dad, Mum and two sisters. About two years ago we found out that the dad of the family had cancer in his mouth. It was a very challenging time for them and involved a risky operation on his tongue and mouth and he depended on them for a long time. However he was recovering well.
  Then today, in the card they explained that the tumour was back and that he was terminally ill. He now can't swallow, talk, eat or drink. This really upset me as it's so close to Christmas and this is supposed to be a time of family and happiness. I will be thinking about them over the next coming weeks and praying that they can stay strong through this horrendous time.

It got me thinking about my last post on my blog. I'm embarrassed now about how dramatic I have been about everything going on in my life. It seems like the worst thing in the world is happening to me when in reality, I have it fairly easy. Everyone in my family is well and there have been no major dramas this year. It made me really take a step back and put things in perspective. Things are going on in other families that they have no control over and have to just put up with when it doesn't seem fair!

So yes, I am still sad and upset and it's taking a long time to get over things and used to other things. But I realise now that I should be thankful for everything I have got, especially at this time of year. You just never know what is around the corner.

Most Likely The First Of Many Posts About How 2011 Is And Was

It's been a while since I wrote a post. It's times like these that I wish I didn't have any followers on this so I could just write about things and no one would read it. Only because I don't want to write lies down on this and pretend everything is okay.. sooooo..suppose i'll just be honest

"What's up Viv? You don't seem yourself?"

"Vivien, you look so depressed. This isn't you, you always find something funny to laugh at!"

'Depressed'                         'This isn't you'   

'What's wrong?'

These are just some of the things that people have been saying to me lately. I can't say I enjoy being called depressed. I've often replied with "everyone else has their down days. Can't I?" The usual reply is "No. You're Vivien. Always laughing, always happy" I just laughed it off. In a way it's nice to be known as someone who is always laughing and happy. On the flipside of that though, it means that EVERYONE notices when something is wrong. Usually i'm good at hiding what is wrong to others because I hate being the dramatic one who has problems and likes to burden other people.

I wouldn't say that I was depressed exactly. I don't think so anyway... But I suppose this end to the year hasn't been very good. 2011 was a brilliant year for me at the start. Okay so I had GCSEs but push all that aside and I was having an amazing time. The group of friends I had were so close and there were so many of us and I felt unbelievably elated at times because everything was just so much fun and so good. My faith was really strong and I was enjoying every minute of everything that was happening.

Summer was so good too. And yes, those of you that read this and know me, of course having a boyfriend from April onwards helped immensely. So the start of 2011 was really good, so many things were happening, correction - so many *good things were happening!

Then in September the first winds of change were sweeping across everything that once was there..

I first started to realise that not many people were returning to the weekend things we all were at and everyone's morals were low. There was no motivation. Of course, all the people in their first year of Uni had disappeared and that was nothing unusual. But the people that had always been there suddenly weren't there anymore. Anyway, I carried on because as I had said in my earlier posts, I didn't think that giving up was an option!

Then October came around.. October was a bad month for me personally. To put it bluntly,  (knowing i'll cringe about this in weeks to come), my break up really upset me. It was all so sudden because I hadn't seen it coming it all, even now with hindsight. I suppose there will always been answers to questions that I'll never get and that just gets frustrated. That is a huge part of why I have been not my usual self lately. It's just a lot to get used to so quickly especially when you didn't know it was going to happen. I'm the sort of person who thinks the best of every situation for everyone else but not for myself. So of course my head was swimming with scenarios of why it happened and that it was all my fault.  I know this all sounds like I'm some girl in a chick flick.. but oh well. People always say to hold on to your memories because no one can take those away from you. But I think that memories can be our best assest but also our worst enemy. I can now always see little things that remind me of one of our million and one 'in' jokes and I suppose it just saddens me to think that we'll never be able to think of anymore. 

Okay I have rambled on WAYYY too much there. 

I'll quickly write that I seem to have joined the 'giving up' bandwagon. I haven't been motivated to do things anymore. I don't really look forward to the weekend anymore because my usualy Friday night routine had to be changed because of above paragraph and because on a Saturday NO ONE comes to anything anymore. Even Alf was lacking in numbers and really, my faith has not been good these past weeks. And once again, being my negative self, I think it'll be great to have everyone back for Christmas. But at the back of my mind I know that eveyone has to leave again in January and then what? Are we back to this again? AH! My mind is my worst enemy sometimes.

This has been a depressing post I know. But I felt I had to just write it all down! I'll come back and cringe at this soon enough.. in which case let's all pretend we haven't read this. Deal?

I don't think it's depression.. i'll let you be your own secret judge of that.