This Year...

2011 brought many things with it. It was a split year of both good and bad things. I suppose in many ways it was one of the biggest years of my life so far. Things happened that I had never experienced before and in a way I feel like in this year I grew up and learnt a bit more about myself.

The start of 2011 was fun filled and exciting. Lots of things were happening in my life that I was happy about. I had a large group of friends that hung out every weekend and we all were comfortable with the same old routine. May and June brought my GCSE exams and although they were so stressful and I more a less a zero social life most of the time, the hard work was worth it and the summer meant so much more to me.

Summer brought a lot of change. Someone that had been such a part of everyone's lives moved away to America and although it was very sad and maybe sudden for a few people, it was also VERY exciting! July seemed to fly by and it suddenly it was August. I went on my very first Outreach Team and it was so good! I found myself having to be put into situations that I wasn't used to and found myself tested. However, it was such a good experience and definitely one of the hightlights of my summer. August also brought my GCSE results and I was so so SO pleased with my results! (And the fact I was back in school!)

September brought back school, I was no longer in GCSE mood and now in 6th Form mood. September again brought change as many people I was used to seeing around the place moved away to go to Universities overseas and elsewhere. This was hard as my own sister went to England and as much as I was very excited for her I was also very sad to see her go and not have her around the house. I suppose the end of September was where most things kicked off.

October wasn't a very good month for me. If you've read my previous posts you'll know all about why. Someone important to me, who was a huge part of my life for so long was suddenly not part of it anymore. It was a major shock to the system and I suppose I wasn't prepared for it at all. October and November were my 'down' months. I wasn't myself for those months, I felt lonely and confused. Part of me still feels a bit lost and confused but having everybody back has made me feel like part of the old group and it's nice to have everyone back again.

Change was a huge part of my year. I have gone through more emotions than I ever have. I have cried more times than I knew was physically possible. I've felt feeling I thought really only existed in films and didn't really happen to people. But I've also learnt that life throws things at you that you don't always expect. Get too comfortable with something and life is sure to put you to the test. I don't know why some things happened this year, I don't know why everything had to change so suddenly this year. What I do know is that as long you have your friends and family around you, and you let time pass, it will heal.

Sure, I'm still hurting. I might still be hurting in a months time, in four months time. Who knows? I believe that you should never be pushed into something. You take as much time as you need.

2011 and was a strange year. It brought laughter, good memories, many photos, crazy dances, new experiences, relationship, new friendships, heartache and many tears. If I had to change some things, sure, maybe a few things like appreciating what you have when you have it, but overall I think I needed this year to teach me a few life lessons. 

Taking A Step Back

I felt I had to write a quick post about something I was thinking about today. . .

Our family received a Christmas card today from a family that we have known for years and years and have kept in touch with them since we moved from Enniskillen in 2001. The family consists of a Dad, Mum and two sisters. About two years ago we found out that the dad of the family had cancer in his mouth. It was a very challenging time for them and involved a risky operation on his tongue and mouth and he depended on them for a long time. However he was recovering well.
  Then today, in the card they explained that the tumour was back and that he was terminally ill. He now can't swallow, talk, eat or drink. This really upset me as it's so close to Christmas and this is supposed to be a time of family and happiness. I will be thinking about them over the next coming weeks and praying that they can stay strong through this horrendous time.

It got me thinking about my last post on my blog. I'm embarrassed now about how dramatic I have been about everything going on in my life. It seems like the worst thing in the world is happening to me when in reality, I have it fairly easy. Everyone in my family is well and there have been no major dramas this year. It made me really take a step back and put things in perspective. Things are going on in other families that they have no control over and have to just put up with when it doesn't seem fair!

So yes, I am still sad and upset and it's taking a long time to get over things and used to other things. But I realise now that I should be thankful for everything I have got, especially at this time of year. You just never know what is around the corner.

Most Likely The First Of Many Posts About How 2011 Is And Was

It's been a while since I wrote a post. It's times like these that I wish I didn't have any followers on this so I could just write about things and no one would read it. Only because I don't want to write lies down on this and pretend everything is okay.. sooooo..suppose i'll just be honest

"What's up Viv? You don't seem yourself?"

"Vivien, you look so depressed. This isn't you, you always find something funny to laugh at!"

'Depressed'                         'This isn't you'   

'What's wrong?'

These are just some of the things that people have been saying to me lately. I can't say I enjoy being called depressed. I've often replied with "everyone else has their down days. Can't I?" The usual reply is "No. You're Vivien. Always laughing, always happy" I just laughed it off. In a way it's nice to be known as someone who is always laughing and happy. On the flipside of that though, it means that EVERYONE notices when something is wrong. Usually i'm good at hiding what is wrong to others because I hate being the dramatic one who has problems and likes to burden other people.

I wouldn't say that I was depressed exactly. I don't think so anyway... But I suppose this end to the year hasn't been very good. 2011 was a brilliant year for me at the start. Okay so I had GCSEs but push all that aside and I was having an amazing time. The group of friends I had were so close and there were so many of us and I felt unbelievably elated at times because everything was just so much fun and so good. My faith was really strong and I was enjoying every minute of everything that was happening.

Summer was so good too. And yes, those of you that read this and know me, of course having a boyfriend from April onwards helped immensely. So the start of 2011 was really good, so many things were happening, correction - so many *good things were happening!

Then in September the first winds of change were sweeping across everything that once was there..

I first started to realise that not many people were returning to the weekend things we all were at and everyone's morals were low. There was no motivation. Of course, all the people in their first year of Uni had disappeared and that was nothing unusual. But the people that had always been there suddenly weren't there anymore. Anyway, I carried on because as I had said in my earlier posts, I didn't think that giving up was an option!

Then October came around.. October was a bad month for me personally. To put it bluntly,  (knowing i'll cringe about this in weeks to come), my break up really upset me. It was all so sudden because I hadn't seen it coming it all, even now with hindsight. I suppose there will always been answers to questions that I'll never get and that just gets frustrated. That is a huge part of why I have been not my usual self lately. It's just a lot to get used to so quickly especially when you didn't know it was going to happen. I'm the sort of person who thinks the best of every situation for everyone else but not for myself. So of course my head was swimming with scenarios of why it happened and that it was all my fault.  I know this all sounds like I'm some girl in a chick flick.. but oh well. People always say to hold on to your memories because no one can take those away from you. But I think that memories can be our best assest but also our worst enemy. I can now always see little things that remind me of one of our million and one 'in' jokes and I suppose it just saddens me to think that we'll never be able to think of anymore. 

Okay I have rambled on WAYYY too much there. 

I'll quickly write that I seem to have joined the 'giving up' bandwagon. I haven't been motivated to do things anymore. I don't really look forward to the weekend anymore because my usualy Friday night routine had to be changed because of above paragraph and because on a Saturday NO ONE comes to anything anymore. Even Alf was lacking in numbers and really, my faith has not been good these past weeks. And once again, being my negative self, I think it'll be great to have everyone back for Christmas. But at the back of my mind I know that eveyone has to leave again in January and then what? Are we back to this again? AH! My mind is my worst enemy sometimes.

This has been a depressing post I know. But I felt I had to just write it all down! I'll come back and cringe at this soon enough.. in which case let's all pretend we haven't read this. Deal?

I don't think it's depression.. i'll let you be your own secret judge of that.

This Time Last Year

So lately I've been feeling a little down. I was at my youth club helping out last night and I found myself looking around at everyone there. I started to compare it to this time last year. I thought of the group that was there, the times we all had and how it seemed like it would never end. But 2011 has brought much change. Everyone has moved on or just doesn't come anymore. I feel there is no group there anymore and as I much as I am trying to move on and get into the swing of a new group I can't do it.

This time last year great things were happening in my life. It was coming up to Christmas and I was getting excited for it. Personal relationships were starting to form and it was all new and exciting to me. Everyone was very close and we had such a good group. And now, a year later things have started and ended and sometimes not for the better. I guess in a way, i'm just really sad about everything and I don't get excited for my weekends anymore because I feel like I don't really fit in at the minute and feel like I have no one to hang out with. Friday nights are now spent in my house on my own.

I am now just wanting school to be over for me so I can move away and start all over...

Where Will You Spend Your Encore?

"All the world's a stage,
  And all the men and women merely players:
 They have their exits and their entrances;
 And one man in his time plays many parts"  ~ William Shakespeare's: As You Like It

But where will you spend your encore?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" ~ John 3:16

Today I'm A Princess

This week was a busy one once again. Many rehearsals for the school musical (42nd Street) were going on so I was caught up in it for a lot of the week. School is soooo repetitive! Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant having so many free periods a week and having virtually no homework at the weekends because I get it all done during the week. But because I only have now three subjects (History, RE & English Lit) and my two week timetable never changes, it becomes just a daily pattern of doing the same thing everyday! I shouldn't complain, you couldn't pay me to endure the GCSE years again!

On Thursday morning I have a double free. So I signed up to help out at a local primary school with reading or maths or whatever they needed us to do. I was placed in St. Malachy's Primary School which is handy as it is just across the road from my school!
I had my first morning there on Thursday past. I was a little apprehensive as I wasn't sure how the kids would take to me being there and I didn't know until I got there, what class I would have!

I was taken to Miss. Rainey's classroom. They are in P3 and I was told on route that there were "a lovely class, although there are a few bad ones..."
However, I was excited to be working so closely with children and primary school teaching is something I think I really want to do!
Thursday is Reading Day in their class. So I sat at a little desk at the side of the front of the room and while Miss. Rainey went through worksheets and things with them, I took a group at a time and read with them. They all handed me their 'Reading Record Books' in which I had to write the page numbers we were going to read, a comment and any words that they struggled with.

I really enjoyed it! The kids were really interested in what school I had come from and what all my badges were for! There was one girl however, called Sophie, who was a bit of a handful. The conversation went something like this...

Sophie: "My name's Sophie-Lee Crawford. EVERYONE calls me Sophie-Lee Crawford"
Daniel (one of the kids): "Miss! No one calls her that!"
Sophie: "Okay well my name is Sophie but today I want to be called Princess Sophia"

WHAT!? I had no intentions of calling her 'Princess' incase her teacher heard and thought I couldn't handle the class! So when we went around the group I just went, "Okay, you go on ahead" and pointed at her!

The other groups were fine thought and I managed to learn a few names. I'm looking forward to next Thursday when I go back and do it again :) I'll be in the school for two terms so I'm hoping the class will get used to me being there!

As for Princess Sophia, well....

The Fire In Your Heart Is Out

Quite famous lyrics from Oasis' song - 'Wonderwall' is the idea behind my title today. It's a phrase that i've been thinking of a lot lately.

'Backbeat, the word is on the street that the fire in your heart is out'

It's really a self-explanatory phrase and I think recently it's been the case for many of my friends and people I know. It kind of reverts back to what I was saying previously about 'change'. (Yes, it's a recurring theme in these blogs!)

Lots of things have been happening around us lately and everyone is finding it hard to adjust to the changes. People have left, new people have come. Old groups have broken up, new groups have emerged.

This time last year, no one could have imagined that so much would be different just a year down the line. But i suppose that's just life, unexpectant things happen that we're not prepared for. It's how we deal with it that makes the real difference.

I am no expert, and definitely not full of wisdom. I make mistakes, am a creature of habit and at times this year I have not been entirely enthusiastic. But I am slowly, (and I mean slowly!) starting to come to terms with the fact that you can't live in the past. Sure, we had the best times and everyone is sad that those things have changed.

However, I really believe that not giving up is the way forward. Giving up solves nothing. Running away is always easier than facing up to the facts. Stuff sucks sometimes, people change and move on and that's all there is to it. 

Sure, things have happend to me in the past week that i've been upset over, and didn't want to happen. And you know what? Who knows what will happen in the future? That's what's so exciting, we have no idea what will happen in our future and there is a plan mapped out for each and every one of us.

So to all my Alfities that may or may not read this. We need to keep going. Yes, things have changed majorly, but this doesn't always mean that it has to be a bad way. We still have each other and we can make Alf what it once was if we don't run away and instead tackle it head on!

Quotes for Today! :


"Life is either a daring adventure, or it is nothing"
- Helen Keller


"The big secret in life is there is no big secret. Whatever your goal, you can get there is you are willing to work"
- Oprah Winfrey